The most important thing for a long-lasting relationship is not to affirm but not to deny



There are many cases in which when they were close at the time of their newlyweds, they did not show affection over time and headed for divorce. From this, it can be seen that `` the initial great affection '' is not so important for maintaining long-term relationships, but Roy Baumeister , professor of psychology at the University of Queensland, and journalist John Tierney He cites 'don't deny' as the most important thing. A survey of a large number of couples reveals the 'how a couple breaks down due to negativity'.

Negativity Can Ruin Relationships-The Atlantic

Emotions tend to respond to negative rather than positive events, and this phenomenon, called the 'negative effect,' skews human thinking. For example, when receiving compliments and criticism, people tend to stick to criticism rather than be satisfied with the tribute. The negative effect is a phenomenon that humans have developed in order to avoid threats in the process of evolution, but at the same time, it is also a fact that it greatly distorts human thinking and behavior.

In relationships, negative effects make partner shortcomings a bigger problem. People tend to overestimate themselves in their heads, so they say, 'Why don't I thank me when I'm doing so much?' Will be noticeable.



Many psychologists have so far investigated couple happiness. One of the surveys, which asked married couples to evaluate their satisfaction levels, showed that 'essentially, evaluations decline over time.' This is not necessarily a bad thing, and most couples get overall satisfaction by getting marriage satisfaction from something other than the other person. On the other hand, satisfaction may drop sharply. As a result of observing the couple, researchers have discovered a surprising theory of why the couple would fail.

For example, suppose the following four actions can be taken when a partner is uncomfortable with waste or cheating:

1: Hopefully the situation gets better
2: Explain to your partner what is making you uncomfortable and find a compromise
3: Do nothing or say nothing, but keep psychological distance from partner
4: Threatening to break up or finding new partners

The four options can be categorized as 'constructive or destructive' or 'passive or active.' At first glance, constructive options such as '2' are effective, but as a result of the survey, it was actually not so important. Passivity and activeness did not make that much difference. The most devastating options for couples were 'destructive' options, and destructive options such as 'nothing but psychological separation' and 'fear to break up' could lead to negative relationships. It seems to rush into the spiral.



In a project called Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships (PAIR), which observes couples over a long period of time, we interviewed couples in their second year of newlyweds to evaluate the positive and negative aspects of their relationships. .

He said that most of the couples showed a two-way affection for the relationship, but their emotions did not predict the future of the marriage. Decades have passed and found that divorced couples show greater affection at the time of marriage than couples who have had a happy marriage over the long term. From this we can conclude that positive emotions do not help to last a marriage. Rather, how to deal with negative things such as stress, doubts and problems is considered more important for maintaining relationships.

In a study by psychologists Sandra Murray and John Holmes, the couple sat back to back in the lab and asked them to answer a questionnaire at the table. The researcher explained to the couple that they would answer the same questionnaire, but in reality the questionnaire was different.

One of the questionnaires given to the couple was to ask them to write down 'what they hate,' and the other was to 'list everything in the house.' For this reason, one couple with an average relationship of one and a half years wrote one or two things they disliked and raised their pens, while the other wrote an item designated as 'at least 25' It took time to write.



At this time, the partner who put the pen early thought that 'the partner wrote a lot of his bad points'. Before the final presentation, subjects were asked about their relationship with others, and those with a high self-esteem who understood that 'partners value themselves' were less affected by their behavior. People with low self-esteem responded strongly that they were 'criticized.'

Low self-esteem people who thought their partners were writing their criticisms revealed the effects of the fear in the form of 'decreasing their love and respect for their partners.' Despite the fact that they were actually evaluated by their partners, those with anxiety reacted unnecessarily to their actions. This tendency to look critically in order to protect yourself is expected to have a detrimental effect on human relationships.

Studies have also shown that there are gender differences in these reactions. Men who are more anxious tend to be more afraid of their partner's affair, and women are more likely to respond to partner's non-affair rejection.

On the other hand, it has been found that same-sex couples have less negative effects. Researchers have tracked same-sex couples for more than a decade and found that both male and female couples tended to be more optimistic in times of conflict than heterosexual couples.

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In the case of heterosexual couples, there is a typical pattern of conflict, `` woman demands, male withdrawal, '' where women initiate complaints and criticisms, and men respond with a reluctance to it. That it is. However, same-sex couples rarely do this. Men are less likely to file a complaint, and women are less likely to withdraw from criticism.

Many people do not consider how 'denying' affects human relationships, but it is important to keep in mind the effects of negativity when mistakes or problems occur. You.

in Note, Posted by logq_fa