What does it take for children to regain a sense of control over their lives and become more self-reliant?
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A few years ago, clinical neuropsychologist William R. Stixrud and author Ned Johnson, president of the tutorial service PrepMatters , noticed that high -performing children were under a lot of stress and lacked true motivation. After conducting research, the two came to the conclusion that the antidote to children's stress was to give them control over their own lives. However, this didn't mean that parents should give up all discretion. In their book, The Self-Driven Child , the two authors outlined ways to relieve stress and encourage children to take on new challenges on their own.
The Case for the 'Self-Driven Child' - Scientific American
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-case-for-the-ldquo-self-driven-child-rdquo/
The study found that a low sense of control over one's life, felt through successes and failures and doing things one considers meaningful, was associated with a high rate of mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. It also found that stress-related mental health problems among children have been increasing since the 1960s. In particular, the incidence of anxiety and depression among young people has risen sharply over the past six to seven years.
From a neurological perspective, when we have a healthy sense of control, our amygdala , which plays a key role in processing emotional responses and memory, is controlled by the prefrontal cortex and doesn't experience high levels of anxiety. However, when children experience high levels of anxiety, their amygdala essentially becomes more active, making them more likely to feel helpless and stuck.
According to Stixrud, in order for children to set goals with passion and enjoy achieving them, they need to be able to self-motivate themselves, and 'autonomy' is the key to this. However, many of the children Stixrud encountered were unable to self-motivate. Their motivation patterns included an 'obsession with success' and a 'sense that trying hard is pointless.' These children were also overwhelmed by the demands placed on them, constantly tired, and lacking sufficient time to rest.
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While the issue of self-control is not new, a comparison of college students from the 1960s and 2002 found that the latter group had a dramatically lower sense of control over their lives. This decline in control over their lives is thought to be due to factors such as children's reduced playtime, scheduled activities, and increased time spent in front of screens. Furthermore, children today are getting less sleep, with 50% of teenagers aged 15 and older reportedly getting an average of seven hours or less of sleep. Given that boys and girls need an average of nine hours of sleep to not feel tired, reduced sleep duration may weaken the connection between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, preventing the prefrontal cortex from properly regulating the amygdala. Children who experience a decreased sense of control due to fatigue become more easily stressed, have poor coping skills, and are more likely to experience setbacks and disappointments, Stixrud explained.
Of course, the advent of technology also plays a major role in children's diminished sense of control over their lives. Posting photos on social media and waiting for others to judge you is a sure sign of a lack of self-control. A January 2018 study found that the happiness and satisfaction levels of American teenagers have declined significantly since 2012, and that smartphone ownership is a major factor in this decline. In the study, a boy addicted to video games stated, 'I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop,' which Stixrud said is indicative of a 'loss of control.'
Research shows that activities through displays such as smartphones, PCs, and TVs reduce happiness - GIGAZINE
Self-determination theory (SDT) is the idea that motivation can be increased by satisfying three fundamental human needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. According to SDT, if any of these needs are lacking, motivation will decrease or a fear-based motivation will develop. Therefore, controlling your child and depriving them of their autonomy can be said to have a negative impact on their motivation.
For example, consider the situation where you try to hire a private tutor because your child's math grades are poor, but your child resists. Forcing your child to get a tutor despite their resistance will cause stress in your relationship with your child. Even if you are able to improve their grades, it will damage their autonomy and relationships, and from a broader perspective, you will lose more than you gain. This is because when parents send signals to their children that their opinions don't matter and that they know better, children will also view their own decisions in the same way.
Children are exposed to a lot of stress at school, and 'home' should be a place where they can relax and unwind from that stress, but if parents are anxious and try to control their children, they will not be able to rest. In this case, children will seek out other places to rest, and in more serious cases, a brain exposed to chronic stress can cause illness.
Johnson says parents need to provide their children with a safe space and give them challenges that are 'within their capabilities.' Video games excel in this regard, as the challenges become more difficult as the player's level increases, and they can try again if they fail. Just like in games, children in the real world crave success, so parents should provide opportunities for their children to develop their skills in the things they are passionate about. The sense of mastery and autonomy they gain from doing what they love will carry over to other aspects of their lives, Johnson says.
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In other words, in order to raise children who have self-control and motivation, it is important to provide them with a place to rest, ensure they get enough sleep, and allow them time to play. Johnson said that many of the children he has seen have complained about their parents filling their free time with schedules. Rest is different from laziness and is the foundation of activity. Johnson said that without smartphones or screens, it is necessary to activate a neural circuit called the default mode network and maintain a proper connection between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.
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